The Inbetween

Today I feel in between. Not necessarily stuck, but caught in the middle of a big transition. Like a caterpillar stuck in a cocoon, unsure when or how to emerge. Could it be the global pandemic we're currently in? Absolutely. Could it be the mindless scrolling through social media, viewing the lives of those I deem more successful than I? ABSOLUTELY.

It's important to note that I essentially had my entire life planned out up until May 2019.

Throughout my K-12 education, my intention was always to go to college. Neither of my parents did the whole "move away to college and find yourself" thing, but I was determined to. I got into a great school and had a fairly typical college experience. I had great friends that I loved, several leadership opportunities, made Dean's List often, etc. I had a good run. Consistently motivated by my drive for perfection, to impress those around me, and to make my parents proud.

When that scary "what's next?" feeling set in during college, I created a new goal for myself: graduate school. I worked on my application for weeks, securing letters of recommendation and asking for way too many cover letter edits. Once I got in to the progra, the next two years were planned for me. I would live at home with my parents and attend Syracuse University. I graduated with my Masters in May 2019, and shortly moved to Maryland where I live now with my partner, Dan.

Fast forward to November 2020. I have a great job, great friends, and a comfortable place to call home. But that same scary "What's next?" feeling is back. The voice is saying, what are you going to do next? How will you better yourself? Where are you going? How are are you so still?

Stillness. What is wrong with stillness? Why am I so turned off by being present, and appreciating the right here, right now? Maybe because I spent much of my life on the fast track to creating a successful future for myself, but now that I'm here I don't know what to do with my time. I didn't plan this part.. this is the in between.

Simply existing in all that is 2020 has shown me that stillness is necessary. Sitting with my own feelings and thoughts is necessary (partly why I started this blog). Even though I feel stuck in this in between, I remind myself that I am chipping away at my big dreams everyday: sticking to a budget, saving money, moving and fueling my body regularly, putting time and love into my relationships.

So, why do I attribute anything less than success to the present? To all that I am doing right now? I am still figuring that one out! I still have days like today where I long for something more. I want to feel that rush of setting a goal and crushing it. Of accomplishing something huge that I can feel proud of and my loved ones can be proud of me for. I daydream about going back to school for my PhD, buying my first house, getting married, etc. It's good to daydream, but it is also important we hold on to present, enjoy what's in front of us while we have it. I didn't plan for this in between but I do intend to make the most of it.